---
title: "Dreamstate Dialogue"
date: 2008-12-24
description: "Bubbles race up and past me as I fall deeper into the dark below. I should feel the water around me, crushing against me, but there is nothing - no wetness, no ..."
categories: ["Dharma Writings", "Consciousness & Philosophy", "Practice & Inner Life", "Creative Writing"]
tags: ["fiction"]
url: /blog/dreamstate-dialogue/
---

# Dreamstate Dialogue

Bubbles race up and past me as I fall deeper into the dark below.  I should feel the water around me, crushing against me, but there is nothing - no wetness, no thundering, rushing sound in my ears; just the silence of disbelief.  This is not happening to me.

This cannot be happening, this is not reality.

I struggle and spin in place, fighting against the unseen current that is pushing me deeper into the chasms below, but this is futile, like a child against a whale, I am no match against this fate, this inevitability.  I scream out, a silent scream, begging for a hero to rescue me.

I see my father in my mind's eye, his hand outstretched, his eyes tear-filled as his hand passes through mine and he is gone.  My mother kneels to pick me up, I am a baby again and I need her arms around me; comfort and safety is within her power... She is gone in a flash of green-blue light; I continue to fall, alone.

My eyes lose focus now, there is not enough light to see my own arms and hands before me, there is darkness and shifting shadows only.

*Think.*

I can hear my own voice within my head, that is reassuring for some reason.  As if I can spell myself to safety, back to my bedroom where moments before I had been laying on my bed, atop the covers, listening to my heartbeat and counting the pulses of light with my eyes closed.

*This is within my mind, within me and me alone - only I am experiencing this, there is nothing to be afraid of.
*

I calm myself with these words, and The Deep takes offense.  The water around me explodes with power and ferocity.  Light flashes before my eyes; reds, yellows, whites, purples and blues - a collage of light, patternless and without shape, terrifying and then gone, I am returned to the darkness where I now dwell.

Moments pass, thoughts flicker and are gone before my mind can focus on them.  From moment to moment my mind races and is worthless to me.  Did I tell her that I love her?  Did I hug him when I tucked him in?  Did I say the right thing to a friend in need?  Was I someone that I would be proud of in the end?

A hand reaches out and I clamber to grasp it before I can even see the face to which it belongs.  I take hold of the offered wrist and pull myself close... I see my own face now, smooth skin where my eyes should be, no mouth, no ears - just fresh, pink and perfect skin.

He holds me, needing me more than I need him (me) and then he releases his hold, the current is too strong, I cannot hold onto him alone - and he is gone into the darkness, leaving me alone again.

*No.*

I pull my hands into my chest, my knees and feet hold steady, no more flailing about, no longer loose and akimbo.

*I am in bed still, I am dreaming.*

This thought calms me and I slow my breathing.  My breath.  I can breathe.  I am under water, why can I breathe?  This makes no sense anymore.

*Calm yourself.  Be calm.  Debate this, where is the logic?*

All sound is vibration.  All matter is energy, all energy is vibration, I am matter, I am energy and sound.  I am not asleep, I am not dreaming, I am a dream of me.

I am standing now, dry and warm, and there is a soft glow about me, as if candles burn within my body.  I can return to myself laying there upon my bed.  My body as a shallow breath, cool temperature and my eyes are open in thin slits.  I can return now... Or I can see the mountain top.  I can ask the question.  I can find out, finally know the Reason to the Why.

I take a step towards the mountain.